Introductions are begun with your story. As we join together, in your space of self-exploration, I am wide-eyed and open to listening deeply to your "tale in time". The story you have written comes alive with much more richness of meaning, as we reveal the once hidden messages in all that you have painted into the majestic tapestry around you. The day you were born, the family you chose, the name you were given, the work that you do, the relationships you engage in; all of these reflections are your very personal dream and your reason to be. We have been granted this ability to dream; to imagine, to manifest and bring forth all that we wish to experience. In revelation, we examine our stories with re-awakened eyes, to acknowledge not only the splendor and the joy, but the pain and the suffering we have created in our lives that is collectively drawing us more deeply inward. Our duty resides here, in our recommencement of the intention to SEE how our past places of pain, trauma and fear are informing our present experiences. Ultimately, we are quested to relocate the places in our hearts where a piece of our original love was born and then sorrowfully lost, ushering in fear to rule the day until we willingly surrendered away the knowing of our inherent greater gifts.
It was "Once Upon A Time" past, that we sat in the cave, cowering and terrorized by the shadows on the wall, that perilously eluded our attempts at escape. It is here, that our monsters were born and all that has been brought forth since. Epic tales sprang hereto into reality, embellishing countless revisions of the shadows we once "mistook", ever morphing in form and the powers we imagined they wielded in their fury to keep us from our determined paths to self-hood. We gifted them the powers they assumed by our own beliefs as we the heroes, and the heroines, ever challenged ourselves to greater conquests and tests of our strength, courage, and convictions. As our fears continued and grew, a great wave of terror spread across the skeins of time as a schism, breeding in it's wake, every version possible of the enemy from afar breaching and entering our territorial boundaries.
And thus, the great and many Untruths were born, believed, dreamed once and dreamed again.
You have arrived here as a Dream Warrior, if you wish to remember, the gifts that have been bestowed within you. You the observer and the observed; inherently abled to honor the highest perceptions in lucid awareness, apart from a collective dream that has been redirected by externalized forces into a repeating nightmare of repression from our true sovereignty. We have been called into a time of chaos, as the lesser and repeating dreams that we once dreamed must be dissolved, dismantled, destroyed and released. You are called to release in order to remember, what your heart knows to be true. You are the one that you have been waiting for. Your perception is your power, as you take the steps into healing and take your place once more as a wielder of truth. Let your authentic self be known, for the world awaits and needs you.
Dream To Remember
For today, I lay down my sword. For there is but not a demon to slay.
For today, I lay to rest my embittered soul within. For there is but not an enemy to blame.
For today, my heart sings loud. For there is but not a memory that makes it weep.
For today, I rise without pain. For there is but not a word that burns me.
For yesterday I dreamed my demons to flee.
For yesterday I dreamed my enemy to heal.
For yesterday I dreamed my heart the memory it was whole.
For yesterday I dreamed my mind the words to let go.
For once, I dreamed to remember.
It was but me, who made it all.
My own awakening story began in the midst of prolific recreational drug and alcohol
use in my later teen years living life as a free spirited gypsy soul. Unbeknownst to me,
somewhere along the lines of one of those mescaline, acid or LSD trips, I experienced my first
awakening. On that fateful night at age 18, I began to question my life and my existence for the first
time. As I stood up from the bar stool, and walked towards the door, Sherry, an attractive and very
well mannered woman, much unlike her Quaalude popping long haired boyfriend, stopped me. As
she looked me straight in the eyes, she affirmatively noted, “Cindy, you don't belong here.” In looking
back, I seem to have responded as if the conversation had somehow already taken place on some
other plane of reality. Our eyes were fixed to each others as the words simply fell from my lips,
“I know, but I don't know where I belong.” That was it, no other words. I walked out that door for the
The bar was replaced immediately with a Tae Kwon Do school, and I was on my way to seeking my
belonging. I dove straight in, attending classes 6 days a week, taking to the study of Martial Arts with a
mysterious tone of pure devotion. This was my new world and I was all in, and yet, this was all so
intimately familiar. Two monumental deductions were decided immediately. One, if I had killed
millions of brain cells with a cascade of alcohol and drugs, I was determined that the 90% that were
supposedly sleeping and unused, could be awakened and put to good use. Two, my past 2 years of
alcohol and drug consumption didn't define me. My sincere and determined thoughts were immoveable. If I repeated new behaviors over a certain period of time, I would be that new person and the past had no hold on who I knew myself to be.
I saved $700, and sat down to talk to my Father about quitting my job and attending college. He replied that I could not carry through with those plans. None-the-less, after a good cry and without my family's support, I followed my passionate need for a new life. Five hours of sleep a night and 33 hour work weeks, in unison with 17 credit semesters, threatened to break my sanity, and it was here where I remember being dubbed by a friend as the “caffeine kid”. Yet, it is a pleasant memory to recall that I was the first woman in five years at the small karate school on 111th street to achieve a black belt, as well as going on to achieving a B.S.P.E. with Honors and placement on the Deans List at SIU in Carbondale, Illinois.
Initially, I had spent 40 yrs believing that I had consumed the quantitative amount
of recreational speed in that year and a half of self-abandonment, that enabled me to think my way out
of doing drugs and drinking 6 nights a week. It is a considerable theory, but as time went on and I
experienced another significant awakening in my life, I knew the space was calling for much more
serious contemplation. I had almost choked to death on my own solid vomit after a night of
tequila, nearly overdosed on MDMA aware that I was lingering between life and death, and survived
black out nights where I was unable to remember half the night at the bar. And then remarkably and
literally overnight, I was studying karate, attending college, eating a completely different diet than
everyone in my home and was searching for the meaning of life and the spiritual space that I knew was
part of the Martial Arts. I was so diversely opposite to my family's lifestyles and habits, sadly so, I more
became viewed as the black sheep of the family for my overwhelming desire to live healthy and
seek the higher understandings of life. Something significant had taken place and still it would take me
many years later before I fully understood what that was.
The Numerologist I am today, can look back and note that I have peculiarly placed spiritual
frequencies designated for that specific time frame from ages 17-18 yrs old, the ominous 22. The
curious timing begs the question, “Did I plan that awakening experience before I came into this life
time and is there any possibility that I may have missed it if I hadn't chosen to ingest those psychedelic
drugs at that time? Or, might I have brought on my awakening in other modes?” All so very interesting questions to be answered and they would always be the driving force in me to keep overturning every stone along the way to seek the answers to them.
I chose to achieve a degree in teaching Physical Education, eagerly pursued eating a very healthy diet, and was practicing karate daily; yet the space of Religion and Spirituality was calling for answers. In consideration of my Catholic upbringing, church goings seemed the first route to once again explore. A young student friend, whom I learned later had been praying for me to find “Jesus”, invited me to her Church which drew my interest after the first mass and I later attended their Christmas gathering. While everyone was enjoying the revelry of playing charades, my mood shifted to analyzing why I was not trusting of the group leader and his wife. I was uncomfortable immediately with his energy, as he was hugging and kissing the young women who had attended in a manner that it was expected of them to simply abide. It was a feeling I would encounter time and time again in the years to come. During the game of charades where the ladies were versing the men, I realized, in part, the reason for my feelings. He cheated to win. The group leader heading this nondenominational group, cheated at charades to win and I was the only one who observed the childish and un-Godly act. That may sound harsh for a guy who simply cheats at a friendly fun game, but it mattered to me, it mattered a lot, and for what it truly represents, it should always matter.
This was not an individual whom I would put my trust in, and as I would do many times over in multiple other similar situations, in all areas of life; spiritual, science and informational, I promptly left to seek truth and integrity elsewhere. If you are in any position of authority, especially in a space of religion or spirituality and you are a fearful dishonest cheat, we have a problem. Yet here in a nutshell, without being able to see it at this point in time, I was experiencing a significant personal soul theme. Someone in a position of authority is selling themselves to the public as an honorable figure and my intuition is telling me something is not so honorable within this person. I am the only one here at the moment who can “feel” this and has seen the truth of what his actions truly are. I would learn later in life that his particular energy signature event was part of my early childhood and past-life experiences. For now, it was merely an inner critical feeling that guided me and I listened.
My student teaching after my last semester took place at a school just outside of Carbondale. It was here that I would make contact with one of my deepest childhood wounds. I was a natural at teaching Physical Education classes to elementary age children and as well my education taught me to handle conflicts with constructive methods in a systematic manner and I experienced great success even in my student teaching at the High School
level. Yet that fateful day that would shock me into what was an immediate
career direction change, was the day I looked into the eyes of an abused child
during lunchtime. It has been 36 years and I remember it poignantly for the
deep sorrow, helplessness and powerless despair that permeated every cell
within me as I looked into her desperate eyes. She was screaming inside for
someone to "know" and to help her. I felt paralyzed and I am still horrified
inside that I was not allowed to tell her that I heard her. To this day, I still think
of her and send her love. The teacher I was student teaching for somewhat
coldly placed her in a category of dirty goods. I was informed that she was
likely being neglected at home and that the school was providing her with
shoes, clothes and sandwiches as they were able. But all I was hearing was
that in actuality, no one was doing anything to remove this child from her painful environment. Her hair was thin and frayed. She stared long into my eyes, silent, and so very alone. This wasn't a child who was simply being neglected, there was so much more. I know the look well now, for I have seen it on other children's faces. My dreams were dashed in that moment because I was so sincerely blocked from being able to reach out to her. Sadly, my own inner strength would need many more years of work to find my place and know what it was that I would be able to do. On an internal level, what I wasn't able to realize at he time, was that I was looking at my own inner wounded child, a child self trapped in time, which would take yet many years to free, heal and reclaim.
As graduation from college loomed on the horizon, I was losing steam. A dark cloud rolled in and I devolved back into vulnerability and fear. There wasn't a home space I was missing and felt comfortable with going back to. At this point, I hadn't unraveled my childhood molesting at the hands of my pedophile Grandfather and this inner imprinting was the hidden block to relationship happiness along with maternal abandonment issues. Without awareness of these imprints and past experiences, these yet unhealed subconscious patterns would play themselves out through my relationships and mothering experiences.
From age 21 to 38 life took it's tolls. I slowly dropped unwittingly back into a sleep state and began life in the survivor zone, reacting to life and feeling barely able to hold on to control. After having spent 5 years with my daughter's father, whom I had met while attending SIU, I was divorced and living back in Illinois, working to get ahead and move out of my parent's home. A Physical Therapist had noticed me while working at a Fitness Center and he brought me into his practice to help market his business and noted my skill levels with the clients. He chose to teach me CranioSacral Therapy which I practiced on his clients over a 6 month period of time. Phil got a great bargain. His Therapists were making $25/hr and I was making $8/hr. Sweet deal eh!
But, this too was a marker in my book of life. Whereas others were taking extensive courses to be practicing this energy work, Phil recognizing my innate skills, spent about 1 hour training me, and threw me right in. I picked up the feel of the energy body simply by holding onto the legs of the practice client while Phil was working on the client's head, and from there, off I went. Once I felt the energy wave in the body, that was all I needed to know what it was I was tuning into and I have been doing Energy Work ever since. To date, extensive education, knowledge and years of practice have filled in the gaps since that time where intuitive sensitivity just did what came natural. We were born with the ability to provide healing energy to ourselves and one another. It is part of the original design. I do not; however, discount that I came into this incarnation with my skills advanced already. None-the-less, with refinement and training, anyone can learn to administer healing energy work if it is their deep desire to do so. Intention is our greatest tool and focus our laser beam.
My intuitive faculties were beginning to get my attention, yet they were random chance events that I did not know how to consistently access. I was able to sense my fine perceptions of clairsentience which means “clear feeling”, as I worked with patients because I was a natural empath. Meaning, I would feel the patients energy field in my own physical body once I connected with them through laying my hands in the CranioSacral positions. This provided me with an immediate gauge as to how long to remain at a point so that the energy in that area was recharged, cleared and rebalanced; which always resulted in healing experiences for the recipients. Yet I knew there was more, and my passions were stirring me on to keep moving in that search for the other areas of our hidden abilities.
There was a very handsome man who was the head of the hospital therapy programs whom I had interviewed with for my next job, who became my boss. I was in conversation with him in regards to the CranioSacral therapies I had administered in my previous position and out of no where, I looked at him and said, “I am going to be making a lot of money at Energy Work someday,” my thoughts being at least more than $8/hr! It was one of those, did I just say that moments and we smiled about it as if we were looking each into the future to see if it was true. He internally was neutral, but observant, while I had no doubt in my being whatsoever. I simply knew that my destiny would be to do Energy Work. That was one of my first claircognizant experiences that I remember, where something just “pops” into your head. Or rather, into your crown chakra! Claircognizance is one of the intuitive abilities that all of humanity is endowed with, and it means “clear knowing”.
As for my second significant relationship, my son's father and I, were involved with a company selling some of the earliest nutritional supplements. I still note the new energy sensations I experienced when taking those supplements, which I attribute to prompting my next spiritual awareness experiences. We; however, were not well matched and consequently back then, made an attempt at counseling. The first counselor said he would only help me if I left my son's father. His controlling mindset turned me away immediately. The second woman began in speaking to both of us, with her directional plan being that she wanted to work with my issues first and alone. She was doing her internship, so this was new to her and it was an affordable price for us. I sat down and began my therapy session. While I was talking ceaselessly with my rambling complaints about how terrible my son's father was, the counselor drew in a deep breathe and sighed with great strain and discomfort. She did not know I had turned back to look at her. That sigh, literally was all the therapy I needed. I knew right then and there, that I was a pitiful wreck of endless blaming and complaining and that I was pathetic. I had one thought as I left not to return after my first session, “Why didn't someone tell me sooner?” I closed the door on complaining and began again to take control of my life as my responsibility and decided to leave my son's father. This wasn't about him, it was about me.
Now, I was officially The Rose Lady. While continuing to work within the areas of Worker Rehabilitation, I started a company with a friend and we sold roses in bars. I had more free time to be with my children, it was easier to get babysitters during the night than during the day time and I moved into a condo in Tinley Park while I was still working part time as a Supervisor in a Return to Work Program for Injured Workers. A new home, and a new frame of mind and I was closer to my rose accounts. The Rose position had so many positives about it. I was my own boss, and it was social time. I loved it at times, hated it at others, and also met wonderful friends while working selling roses.
With the wave of energy that came with the healthy supplements, my curiosity
impulsed me to seek data once again, and I picked up books in Self-Help, Psychic
Ability, and Spirituality. I do not recall the name of the book that took me to the
next big event. I only remember that it was suggesting that if you wanted to be
spiritually guided, you had to make that decision with your will in a direct intention.
Consequently, I set out onto my new deck with book in hand, my lone chaise
lounge chair and a choice. Today, I was making the decision to seek out Spiritual
truths and claim that again as a primary focus. I had only briefly begun to explore
book knowledge, my diet was disrespectful to say the least; but here I was in my
new home in Tinley Park, and I was determined I would make it all work, as a single
struggling mother of two. I put the book down next to the lounge chair and I
repeated my affirmation that I wanted my Spiritual self to be part of my life.
Well there I done gone and did it. My first thought was that I had just willed myself to die! I felt as if the Sun was coming inside my body. I began to vibrate all over, unlike any Energy Work I had ever done before. The meditation state was familiar, but this was something quite different and so very real. The vibrations became so exuberant that I lost all feeling for being in my body. Slightly past the spark of fear that I might be dying, my next synopsis was that I was having a drug flash back from “the 70's”. So there I am, aware that I am still laying on the chaise lounge, but I have no perception of my physical body, and I have this incredible warm feeling all around me. I surrendered to it and felt a presence. That presence was brief and simply a feeling that I was being nurtured and that if I continued on this path, this nurturing and guidance would continue.
It is 1995, I am 38 yrs old, and the same impulses and changes that moved me back in 1977, exactly 20 yrs earlier, were taking place all over again. As I had requested, I tuned back into the spiritual aspects of reality. In retrospect, I had likely induced a second powerful kundalini rising. This awakening; however, had a much more intense focus. I was the proverbial Johhny 5 robot with an insatiable thirst for input.
My dreams were powerful within a very short time and my dream recall impeccable. Dreams provided data above and beyond what my conscious mind was privy to and I saw immediately all of the intrinsic values
for healing and world changes nestled into the space of learning to understand
what dreaming was truly all about. Dream Analysis became a fond study and I
spent most of my mornings in the joy of the ultimate self-discoveries displaying
themselves amidst the dream tapestries which were woven each night as I
journeyed in the dream planes.
My mind endlessly reeled with all the possibilities within everything that I was
learning, as well as the burdensome and disheartening questions that
accompanied the revelations. Not only did I begin my journey unraveling my own
personal imbalances which needed healing, my outlook turned also towards the
world. How did humanity arrive at this horrendous state of affairs where we were
not utilizing our inherent abilities to heal one another and our world crisis
situations? Why wasn't everyone analyzing their dreams and using their innate intuitive abilities to help heal themselves and others? These questions perplexed me, while an inner knowing knew undoubtedly that dreams were more than nonsensical meanderings of the mind, and they most certainly were not a creation of evil. It was evident that this space was real, it exists as part of Creation and it granted the active participant a higher perspective of reality and an opportunity to know our true inner self within the deeper hidden spaces of the subconscious. The other 90%!
Over a relatively short time I began to master my skills in the dream state. The use of the dream planes for healing was immeasurable and delivered the clearest data of all. I was inhabiting others dreams helping them to resolve personal issues, assisting real life murder investigations, seeing the future before it happened, and visiting the astral plane where I was offered a cup of coffee on a jog with Nikola Tesla around a luminous crystalline University. My dreams scanned the scope of belief systems ranging from dreams of Jesus's robe being sent to me, seeing Mary and levitating before her, being told I would speak to others with messages from Mary, meeting animal spirit guides, achieving spiritual alchemy turning silver into gold, and finding the hidden city of Eldorado. It was always interesting to note that what I was reading about at the time, I would dream in that spiritual, religious or metaphysical overtone.
I craved knowledge in all areas; watching the History Channel at first and then moving on to books from the Metaphysical store as well as researching what God is and the origins of religion. I wanted to understand why there is so much confusion over whose god is the true God. I know it is to be expected, but it is interesting as to how many times in my explorations that I have been asked, usually politely, if I believe in God. For me, it resonates with the perplexing question one might as well be asking me, if I believe in Air or Love. I was aware; however, that the hidden question truly being asked was, "What do you think God is and do you believe as I do?"
In many case, standing behind the question of course, is the teleprompted presence of religious fear indoctrination, that if you do not abide by the belief system I belong to, you just might be an enemy to God trying to persuade me off the path to the true and only one God and I may need to fear you. Unfortunately, as I began my course of exploration, I was to learn that the witch hunts from the past still held many people in fearful states of confusion and judgment. That came as a complete surprise to me. Consequently, the story behind the fear programming of different gods is what pushed me to research deeper and deeper in these 20 years of seeking, because it has done the most to bring harm to humanity in all it's forms and machinations. There isn't a soul alive who would disagree that the greatest hatreds and divisions in the world have been perpetuated in the name of one god versing another. To kill in the name of God is pure insanity no matter how the truth is attempted to be slanted.
Some of my favorite christian friends have also asked me this question, but how they asked it was in sincerity and love for me and in search of their own understandings and healing. Notedly, there is always a different energy behind the question from one person to another. Some ask with sincere desire to understand and then decide how they should politely interact with you respecting your own beliefs, while others ask you to prove you are not being deluded by the devil, because they have already chosen that inner stance. It is time for everyone to separate themselves from that space of judgment. Kudos to those have trust in their inner feelings about people which they place as a life experience over dogma. They are aware of the conflicts in their religious and or spiritual teachings because they have traversed the intellectual studies necessary to leave these discriminations behind as they no longer fear trusting their hearts first. They do not allow those indoctrinations to keep them from free thinking and seeing others as communing with Source in their own preferred mode, as opposed to being contracted by belief to see them damned to hell or purgatory and never entering heaven where they must save these misguided souls, or worse off, falsely accuse them of being devil worshipers. It is a sad experience that people are mind controlled to believe in the views that insist you believe that all others who practice other belief systems as against a god. That judgment is an inner conflict that warrants much further examination, primarily for the great harm is does to others and self. What monstrous thought forms we have created.
Yet, I began to recognize many of the encounters with others who initially disagreed with my independent thinking as opportunities for mutual healing. I was out listening to a band, while selling roses. The gentleman who had been singing came up to talk to me. During the conversation, I mentioned that I studied and practiced Numerology, Dream Analysis and Reiki, a Japanese healing technique of laying on of hands. His remark back to me, the exact words of which I do not remember, was stinging and to the effect that I was comparing myself to God and that meant I was evil because I was calling myself a healer like Jesus. With patience, I gently closed my eyes and just breathed deeply to let his negativity pass right through me and not attach to me. His next remark was, “What are you doing, putting a curse on me?” And he left.
I was startled, but not daunted. Even early on in my journey, I did not accept anyone else's version of who I was, because I could stand firmly in my truth and had no doubt of right and wrong about what I was practicing. Nothing in my being on any level resonated with hands on healing, analyzing dreams or understanding numerology, as being against truth and love. In my inner world, we were meant to be like the Jesus that healed others, and yes, fully embody the love that God is and be that energy to our fullest. I knew that all of these studies were and are integral aspects of what is written in the Bible, but he was taught to disregard that. He was taught to fear, and regard people practicing these Arts as evil minded and following the devil; in spite of the fact that these arts are in code entirely throughout the Bible.
I have volunteered in Little Company of Mary Hospital administering Reiki to cancer patients and provided Reiki sessions to clients of many diverse faith and belief systems in the past 25 years. Like CranioSacral Therapy, which is utilized in all areas of allopathic medicine, Reiki works the same no matter what you call the Source energy or what god you pray to. If you are ready to heal, you allow it to happen. It is between you and the All That Is. Our physical vehicles are built as conduits of Universal Energy Life Force via touch and unconditional love. Period. Arguments swirl around this truth simply for the sake of division when the bottom line is: Spontaneous healing has taken place in every belief system there is. If you believe you deserve healing, you allow it to happen, especially because you have also resolved your own blocks that are keeping you from the Divinity of who you really are. Whatever innerstanding it takes for you to believe you deserve healing, is your personal choice. I will later go into greater understanding of how it is true that there are negative spirits that can be operating in the fields of lesser aware healers; yet this space of negative spirit intrusion is all the same within every religious or spiritual practice there is. Energy is neutral until we change it with our intent. If our intent is imbalanced, we can do harm. If our intent is for unconditional love only, no harm can be inflicted.
I went on about my business and the lead singer approached me again. His calmly retracted with, “ I owe you an apology,” and that was the end of it. We hugged. We both smiled as we softly looked into each other's eyes. There was no further discussion, no inflicting of one's belief system over the other's and we peacefully released the space. It was perfect. Those who can release themselves from this fearful thinking, and can forgive themselves for their past judgments, free themselves to higher levels of awareness and consciousness. This lifetime is about accountability and responsibility. I am not placing myself above and beyond having erred. I am not proclaiming victimhood or innocence. We are learning how to disengage ourselves from all of the programmed fears and divisions and that is the ultimate goal. This as well was an opportunity for me to release anger from past pains inflicted upon me for speaking truth and to come to a proper place of releasing the negativity of those experiences.
Getting back to my personal healing, my maternal grandfather in his unhealed state was a pedophile and a predator. Placing himself in the position of war hero, Police Officer, Detective and a man of social status, he dared others to go ahead and try to report his acts of raping young children. Although most of his secrets remain primarily in his grave with him, it is easy to establish what truths were in actuality taking place behind the scenes of his established public image. At this awareness level of my own achieved self-healing, I have little interest in drudging up more of his secrets, as individuals like him are being exposed for who they truly are in the space of pedophilia and ritual abuse, all over the world. Having a deeper understanding of the pedophilia within the upper echelon of our societies that have infiltrated these levels of reality, he is no different than any of the many who are now being exposed. I am aware on a much higher level of understanding what deeper mysteries this lifetime has afforded me to intimately understand as a result of my early childhood experiences and in this current healed state, I take full responsibility for my choice of birth womb.
As most seekers do, I tried on many hats as I sought the place best suited for me in reality. My ideas, thoughts, innerstanding, and awareness have changed many times throughout my seeking and I consider this present work a powerful foundation of inner wisdom, yet also open to higher levels of consciousness as I continue to evolve.
Let it be found in our hearts that the word of God is not drawn, written or spoken; it is the invisible light of Consciousness inherently present in all, the love that brought humanity into being.
Thank you graciously for your time to enjoy my ongoing story,